Ready for a controversial topic? Come on, I’m due for a heavy subject after being quiet for months!

I’ve been busy, and I’ve been growing through mountains of circumstances. Marinating in thoughts. And – hopefully – maturing.

Maturing isn’t about age. It isn’t about wrinkles. It’s not limited to certain generations, or marked by milestones. And it definitely doesn’t come all at once. And, no, it doesn’t happen to everyone – that’s evident by the rudeness in Facebook comments.

Admit it, you missed me and my bluntness. 😉

Maturing can completely change people too. Do you ever stop and think about how different you are from, oh, ten years ago you? How about twenty years ago? Or one year ago you?

Were you a know-it-all and now realize you know nothing? Were you a bashful, quiet person growing up, and now you’ve turned into someone who can’t wait to state your opinion?

Maybe you love the changes life molded you into. Maybe you resent it. Either way, you can’t deny you’re different. Different priorities. Different loves. Different personalities. Even a different voice.

I know I can’t deny these changes in me.

I find myself very contemplative lately. I’m quiet a lot these days. Observant. Maybe it’s the writer in me. The researcher. The side that MUST know why things tick before they go boom. Maybe it’s the near-death experience with cancer that humbled me. Maybe it’s the time period of having two kids, and being stripped of one kid, that forced me to see different parenting perspectives. Maybe it’s the loss and betrayal of friends I thought I knew that closed my mouth from revealing too many secrets to the wrong people. Maybe it’s all of the above that changed me.

I’ve observed a difference in how I react to my environment and how my environment acts to me.

You see, I used to be loud, opinionated, attention-seeking, and people-pleasing. For those of you who knew me in my teens and twenties, I’m sure you couldn’t help but nod your head. Awe, come on, you can admit it! I’m not bashing myself, just being honest about how I remember situations. I’d let people steamroll over me, but I’d steamroll right back. I was a vegan, legalistic Christian, loud extrovert, with a chip on her shoulder, and thought I knew it all. I wanted others to know it too. I didn’t like taking “no” for an answer, but I also had a hard time saying no for fear of what people would think of me. I was going to have 4 kids – no matter what people said. I was going to marry prince charming – no matter what. I was going to be a vegan forever – no matter what my body told me. I was going to be an actress in Hollywood – no, own my own bakery by 30 – no, be on Broadway – no, actually be a NY Times bestselling author with my first novel – no, don’t tell me what I can’t do!

Were those bad things? No. But did I have a right to loudly argue those were my destinies? No. Did I ever stop to consider who I might be hurting when I declared the right to any of these futures? Nope.

Bottom line: I thought I knew what I wanted and wasn’t afraid to say it – yet, I knew absolutely nothing at the same time. I wanted to be vocal so I could simply speak my desires into reality. I wanted to be the loudest person in the room so people would notice, like, and appreciate me. But that isn’t wisdom. And that isn’t the person I truly wanted to be. That isn’t the person God wanted me to be, and I see that now. I wasn’t mature.

I’m still not, lol, but the difference in how I handle situations and people can sometimes be like night and day different.

I find myself listening more. And as I listen, I find less reasons to argue, state opinions, and plow through conversations. I still struggle with interrupting friends as they talk, but I’m working on it.

An interesting thing has happened in this process too. Something that I find fascinating: people now tend to listen when I eventually talk. I always struggled to be heard before. That’s why I felt the need to be loud. Who knew being quieter meant I’d be heard more often? Who knew that a whisper was more profound than a scream?

However, I do eventually need to talk. If I stay silent, then there’s nothing to listen to.

It all reminds me of Moses. Yes, the Moses in the Bible who was famous for leading the Israelis out of Egypt. He too went through a total personality change. He went from a bull in a China shop to someone, well, SLIGHTLY more mature. He also struggled with his voice.

Moses grew up in the king’s palace as a prince. However, he knew his roots were from the Hebrew slaves. It angered him how the Egyptians mistreated them. The Bible doesn’t say all he did in his first 40 years of life in the palace, but it does give us the grand finale to that time: he killed an Egyptian for beating one of “his Hebrew brothers.” His next 40 years are spent hiding from those actions. At 80 years old, Moses talks to God through a burning bush. Actually, he argues with God. Ugh, it’s seriously painful to read how many times this guy protests, talks back, and gives excuses to God on why he shouldn’t go back to Egypt and rescue the Hebrew brothers he once killed a man to protect. It’s like the events of his life turned him into a coward. He even claims he can’t talk – yet he doesn’t lack words in coming up with excuses to give the God of the universe!

But God listened to Moses’ complaining and gave him his brother Aaron to go with him. Moses followed Aaron. Moses essentially lost his voice to Aaron. The Bible talks about how Aaron did the talking for Moses. Aaron talked to the people, and Moses followed. Moses was quiet and observant to his brother. Exodus 4 – 8 refer to Moses and Aaron as if they’re one person. The only time Moses talks by himself is when he’s STILL giving excuses to God.

Finally, halfway through chapter 8, Moses finds his voice. Pharaoh is pleading with Aaron and Moses to get rid of the frogs and it’s like Moses can’t take being silent any longer. He exclaims his response with an explanation point! After this, Moses gets slowly braver until he alone leads the Hebrews with Aaron becoming a distant sidekick. Moses found his voice and was at last heard – once he stopped filling his vocabulary with screaming excuses.

Moses followed, but God knew he was meant to lead. He had to let exile, quiet observance, and a forced out-of-comfort-zone experience, change him into a more mature person with a profound VOICE. Moses was far from perfect (he let his temper get the better of him a couple of key times), but he was worlds different from the complaining murderer he’s introduced as in chapter 2. Still, I wish Moses had learned a bit earlier how to be quiet instead of complaining to God. Maybe that’s why he had to endure a punishment of 40 years of a million people complaining to him. Ha!

I think that’s why it’s important for us to use our voice at the right times. To know who we are and what we stand for so that when we find our words they’re meaningful, helpful, and show maturity.

Maturity is knowing when to be silent. Maturity is also knowing when to speak up.

How has life changed your voice? Do you find yourself listening more, or do you find yourself being brave for the first time? I’d love to hear from YOU!